Friday, May 8, 2015

Inertia

Inertia: 1. Resistance or disinclination to motion, action, or change.  2. The tendency of a body at rest to remain at rest...

This body has spent too much of the last few months sitting around.  It started as a way to avoid having to constantly step over my dog, who was losing her eyesight.  Then I began to worry about her health, which, combined with all the idleness, started to make me feel depressed.  At the same time, my job was growing more and more stressful.  And my dog's kidney issues continued to worsen, and she had to get up more frequently each night.  Eventually, I was lucky if I could sleep for two hours continuously, and I became very sleep deprived.  I didn't have the energy or brain power to do much of anything except make it through the workday and collapse at home.

As you may have guessed from my use of past tense, my dog is gone.  She died on April 20.

I noticed on a Thursday evening that she had gone completely blind (suddenly, as with most of her health changes).  She was walking into walls, she couldn't find her way around, she couldn't find her food unless I put her nose in the bowl.  I wasn't sure if it was temporary blindness caused by a seizure, or if she'd lost the last of her sight.  Over the weekend, it became clear that it was the latter.  It was time for me to make that most difficult of choices - to let her go.

I had to be at work Monday, so I arranged to take Tuesday off and made an appointment with the vet.  I came home to check on her at lunchtime; she was doing okay.  I refilled her water bowl, which she had knocked over, gave her a glob of peanut butter and said my usual goodbye.  I had to get back to work.

When I came home later that afternoon, I found her lying dead in her bed.

Though of course I sat on the floor and sobbed over her little body, I also felt I'd been given a reprieve.  It was as though she had done one final kindness for me, sparing me the trauma of taking her in for euthanasia.

I'm dealing with the loss much better than I thought I would, probably because of the circumstances.  I am sad and I miss her... but if I'd had to take her to the vet, it would have ripped my heart out.  As these things go, we were both fortunate.

I caught up on sleep, and finally feeling clear-headed, I talked to my boss to try to address some of the issues that are making my job stressful.  I think there will be some positive changes.

And now, there are many other changes I want to make in my life... if I can just overcome the inertia and get moving.

45 comments:

  1. Oh Bane! :( I am so sorry for your lose. All I can do is give you virtual hugs and wish you peace and healing and love and more hugs!

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    1. Thank you. I really appreciate that.

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  2. I am so sorry for your loss. Losing a pet is losing a member of the family. I wish you lots of healing and sending some good vibes your way. *hugs*

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    1. Thank you. The house does feel empty without her.

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  3. I'm so sorry to hear about your loss, I'm having difficulties typing since my eyes are filled with tears. :( It's sad that she had to go without you by her side, but fortunately she could fall asleep at home, in her own bed. I can totally understand how you feel about euthanasia, that's a heartbreaking decision to make. So far my family has managed to "avoid it" – the first time we lost a dog, a seemingly healthy dog's condition collapsed within several hours, and she was dead before the end of the day. We tried to contact a vet when she began to show strange symptoms, but none were available on a Saturday evening. We don't know for sure what it was, but later a vet suspected (based only on our descriptions of the symptoms) that it may have been rat poison. Later, with my own dog, who was permanently ill but doing okayish with her medication, we had to consider the option of euthanasia as she grew weaker and weaker, but she died at night before the day on which my mother had decided to call a vet (for euthanasia). I guess she also spared us the trauma...
    I wish you strength to make it through difficult times, hopefully there will be better times ahead! Hugs!

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    1. Sad stories. :( It's difficult to watch an older pet's health decline, but I imagine a sudden, unexpected illness is terribly traumatic as well. It's never easy to lose a beloved pet.

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  4. So sorry for your loss. At least she left on her own terms, at home.

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  5. It's great your posting, as I miss reading your blog. Sorry for the loss of Bean Side.

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    1. Thank you. I hope I can get back to posting regularly.

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  6. I remember reading your post about your worries for little Bean. I am so sorry that she's gone, but she had the best dog-mother possible, and I bet she knew it.

    Inertia can be terribly crippling, but it looks like you are taking some positive steps. I wish you nothing but the best. Take care.

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    1. Bean and I had a good thing going. I took care of her, and in return I got the kind of devotion only a dog can give. I was very lucky to have so many years with such a good dog.

      Thank you.

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  7. So sorry for your loss. It must have been so hard to watch her suffer so, but glad she is at peace now.

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  8. Ohhhhh Bean. Ohhhhhhh Bane. I am so so sorry. I know every single one of those feelings. What is remembered, lives. Safe travels, small dog.

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    1. Thank you. I imagine you know them all too well.

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  9. I am so sorry for your loss but what a blessing that she was in her bed and not suffering for a long time. July will mark 10 years since my pup left this world. I miss him still. Virtual HUG!

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    1. We were very fortunate. Only in those last four days did she show any signs of being unhappy.

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  10. It's so hard. Every time. Never gets any easier. I look at my Siamese cat (who is 8), and in decent health, other than being tubby, and the thought of losing her tears me apart. Even when I was married, it was her who got me through some tough nights, not my husband. After we split, it was both cats (but especially her) that kept me going. I fall down and I pick myself up because of her. Not having her around is just... unthinkable.

    I'm torn up over the dog I lost at 17 and another at 24. I never thought I could go through losing another pet, but here am I again.

    So I don't have any words of advice or comfort. All I have is deep empathy. You gave her an awesome life and kept her happy.

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    1. Bean Sidhe's last several months were very difficult for me emotionally. I think about what I might do differently next time... and then I wonder if there will be a next time. I'm not sure I could get through it again.

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  11. Massive hugs. I'm so sorry, may Bean rest in peace now.

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  12. The loss of a fur baby is painful, but if she had been in pain there is some relief! I hope things get better with your job and you keep fighting the inertia! Bean Sidhe will always watch over you!

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    1. She was on pain meds, so I don't think she was in pain. Thanks; I'm hoping for some good news at work soon.

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  13. Im so deeply sorry for your loss of your dear family member!! I'm sending you lots of virtual hugs. I do hope she didn't have to suffer but slept away calmly. I have resently lost a pet myself and it is heartbreakening. Lots of warm hugs again!

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    1. Thank you. It's impossible to know for sure, but I think her death was pretty quiet.

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  14. I am sorry about your Bean. I enjoyed readinger stories & seeing her pictures.
    She had a wonderful owner!

    And hoping everything goes well with your work!

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  15. I am so sorry for your loss, I cried reading this post. I just lost one of my cats in February and I feel like I will never get over it. It is so hard to readjust to life without our furbabies. Take care of yourself.

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    1. Thank you. It is hard. After 17 years with her, my life feels odd and empty.

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  16. My condolences for the loss of Bean... But it seems that she decided to go at the right time and might be better of in the land past the rainbow bridge...

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    1. Thank you. Yeah, it was her time to go.

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  17. It's never easy to lose a pet. It truly feels as if you've lost a family member. They are like tiny, furry people to us who know them well. I've lost many a pet to old age and I like to think of them as my very own animal spirits. A pack that watches over me and protects me. I'm so sorry for your loss. But next time you hear the howling of the wind just think of that as Bean Sidhe's way of saying hello. She's still there watching over you :) *hugs*

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    1. Thank you for your kind words.

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  18. When I am feeling blue, I sometimes play Bean Sidhe's carrot dance. Long live Bean Sidhe! I hope she is doing the carrot dance in the sky!

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    1. That brought tears to my eyes. And a smile to my face.

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